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What the???

I am sitting here contemplating my future as a writer, a mother, a daughter, a lover.  All at the age of 32.  It's like I went from a complete know-it-all to a complete moron in less than 2 decades! I thought by now I would not only have my life panned out but I'd be reaping the rewards of a so-called fulfilling life.  I mean for a a second there the map was vividly clear.  And now I look back, having been so much wiser but nonetheless the same.  Add about 10 pounds or so but pretty much the same.

Not so long ago, I was inspired, brave, bold and unafraid to take a chance in life.  And now I have become a drone.  A slave to money, love and other mundane middle aged bullshit. Not knowing where to go, what to do or how to do it? 

Am I alone in wondering what the fuck happened?

Back to the fucking drawing board.

Impossible is Nothing

When I was 7, a teacher told me:
I wasn’t as smart as the other students
because I couldn’t read/write well.
I wrote my first novel at 13
…and published my first novel at 27

When I was 21, a lady told me:
I could never be a fit mother
because I was a welfare recipient/drop-out
I went back to school the next semester
…and later secured a career not much later

When I was 16, a boy once told me:
I couldn’t fight
because I wasn’t loud/boisterous
I look back on that day and laugh
…because I’ve been fighting all my life!

People always want to tell you what you can’t do because they can’t do it!

Baby-mama/daddy Drama

And the Red award of the day goes to Dead-beat and Drama-queen parents and the people that encourage them!

YES, I am shining a light on all of these people who have made the sad mistake of procreating with the WRONG damn person. Now before you go on quickly to judge me, just know that I for one am a single parent! No, the creating a child is not a mistake but the pawning of the kid on a chessboard of drama is. I made an effort to make sure my child happy and taken care of. But it was because my love for her was stronger than the need to feed into her father's BS. I made it evidently clear to her father that he had 2 AND ONLY 2 choices:

1. Be a positive part of her life & responsible parent!
OR
2. Be Gone!

I didn't want to have to depend on her father to do anyting for her only to complain when it didn't happen. This had nothing to do with pride but because I didn't want my child to experience the same fucked up issues I had from being disappointed by my dad or startled when my mother yelled. Why go through that? You can't force a water to drink... just like you can't force a boy to be a man! The fiery drama in my opinion was extinguised before it started.

Lord knows I don't want to screw her head up royally. I had my fair share of hearing: "Your dad ain't shit!" later to be followed by, "You're just like your father!" Do you know what that does to a kid??? Yeah it fucks you up in the head! It breeds insecurity, trust issues, identity crisis, psychotic behavior not to mention self esteem issues that cut deeper than a hot knife through butter. That was not the example I wanted to set for her. Do I often wish he would step up to the plate, yes because everyone can use a hand every now and again. But I don't get pissed when he decides not to do for our child nor do I expect him to kiss my ass when he is willing to!

Ladies if you have a man responsibly doing the best for your kid(s), stop that nonsense because he could always skate leaving you and the kid hanging...remember it's NOT ABOUT YOU!!! Men stop feeding into the drama if you are a deadbeat. Do what you need to for the sake of your child...and stop the bullshit excuses of why you will or won't be bothered by the woman YOU knocked up! Next time cover your dick if you feel as though a kid "is too much of a headache" for you!!!! Because at the end of the day, your petty bickering only hurts your kid(s).

They suffer the cost from your stupid squabbles over meaningless shit and you pay for it in the long run when they grow up to resent you or have toxic relationships of their own! I mean if you're kid needs food or clothes or anything else, is it worth arguing, sometimes fighting, when you can just say fuck it, do it on your own?? After all that nonsense is said and done, you still have a hungry and naked kid waiting!!!! :-/

Moving Forward

Today I cried a tear on a note that I previously wrote. It was nothing major, just a doodle of a reminder, message I took on the phone or what have you. But it was insane where the teardrop landed. It landed on the word “forward.” Nothing stuck out more than the smeared ink on paper underneath my liquid emotions. I hadn’t cried a lot. In fact, it was a single, lonely tear…enough to make you believe it was my contacts bothering me. But it was more than that. I had been asking myself what should I do with my heart, my future, my faith, my family. And then it hit me, I needed to keep moving forward without the influence of know-it-alls, and people who have only held me back for far too long as it was. I thought I needed a certain someone to help push/pull me. But my own history has shown me that I was better off following my own gut…and the voice of God.

I was at the epitome of happiness. At the dawn of a new career, parenthood, faith, and free from the abusive chains of what was once confused for love. It was later that I would allow myself to be distracted by the same bullshit I had surely evaded. I had fallen from perpetual grace and bliss. The worst part was that it wasn’t the physical scars, I would have to let heal, it would be the new emotional ones, on top of one another. I thought I was doing myself a service of starting over and waiting for that moment when things would be perfect. But then it revealed to me that I was being selfish and stringing others along. However as I sit here and type I realize that my cynical/sarcastic ass was just waiting for things to eventually go wrong again. So it was me who was being in turn strung along by none other than…me!

We go through so much pain and craziness for someone who would never do the same. We forgive and forget only to repeat the same dumb shit. True people change but only to some extent. Some stuff is irreparable!

But how dumb is that? Why would people sacrifice love and their self worth for the sake of someone else when you only end up putting your own happiness on hold? MAAAANNNN!!! Fuck that! People think that others have their best interest at heart. They will cap your head up with shit like, “I love you” or “I will do anything for you” or “you’re everything I’m looking for” BUT rest assured there is some little thing in the way of you completely being the one or whatever. If you think about it, it’s all bullshit just like politics, words don’t get a vote, but actions do. It’s like having the password to someone you’re with voicemail, email, Facebook and Twitter account but the sneaky bastards delete everything! First off if you were all that faithful, trustworthy, honest, you wouldn’t need to pass of any passwords in the first place to prove your fidelity and your partner shouldn’t have to have the need to snoop! Love and trust are like peanut butter and jelly…they’re ok on their own but are much tastier together!

Back to my case in point…I thought that I had to forget to forgive. But I don’t and I’m worth more than waiting for a chance to have my heart broken again. You don’t have to be bitter and miserable however, sometimes giving up isn’t the worst that you can do.

To My Grandfather...On His Birthday

Today my grandfather would have turned 93 years old. Most people who know me on a personal level know well how much he meant to me. Since he took his last breath, I have evolved more than I think I ever have in my entire life. Funny, I never thought I get this far though by most others' standards, albeit it may not seem as far as it could or should be. There are some things that I have left undone and incomplete yet there are things so monumental that I never would have guessed coming this far by faith alone. Hell in my book, expectations are only as great as those who set them.

It is why I reflect back on my grandfather, he was so simplistic and easy-going that he could make the craziest situation seem no more trivial than an untied shoelace. That is a rare talent these days. We live in such a fast paced world, that never do we take the time to see things all the way through. And yet instead of finding a solution right in front of us, we stress the unimportant things and scrap off the rest. We worry if bills will be paid on time, if our lover is true, if the weather will be pleasant. But life is a journey with a lesson learned at the bitter end. Yet the lesson learned is not often the one we seek. Did I live a good life because I made tons of money or earned a good job? Am I beautiful because I go to the gym each day and eat right? Sure these things are important but they are not what defines us nor do they make the world go round.

We worry so much about the trivial issues that we cause the more important ones that should matter to be forgotten. Such as did you tell someone you loved them? Did you forgive the last person to make you cry? Funny, some people would say that the world's economy is more important than world peace itself.

We stress often how selfish others are because they aren't there as often as we'd like them to be. We stress being lonely more than being alone. We are often so afraid of change that we hinder triumph. We are a nation addicted to Prozac when truthfully the air you breathe and love in your heart is actually all you may need. My grandfather raised a family not to mention myself, cared for others, protected those he loved, managed his house, bills (or the lesser things) yet without a high school diploma. Of course that could be nearly impossible in today's world but not as much we make it out to be. Did he deny us as children the things we thought were important? NO! Did he deny himself things he wanted yet another man would say lacked the definition of success, oddly enough? NO. Why, because he unconditionally put those he loved in front of him.

By far he was the most selfless person I knew.

I don't know another breathing soul made of that fiber, not even me. However another great thing he did was that he didn't stress if he couldn't heal the world. I remember when I was helping him out with some house repairs. None of us thought that they could be done, with or without help…not without a prayer and a lot of dinero. But he basically told me… "It will get done one thing at a time. Why worry about what I can't do when I should focus on what I can." Needless to say we got things done. He focused more attention to detail on each individual thing one at a time instead of trying to do it all at once, overwhelming himself and risk fucking it up. So to myself and all of you, I say you can't do it all but you can do what you can do. Don't slack off but don't sweat the small stuff. And that's how you turn the mundane into the monumental without over-stressing it.

Words cannot say what an awesome man he was... funny, smart, sensible, brave enough to acknowledge his flaws and wise enough to try and better them.

So to my grandfather whose logic and wisdom superseded his mortal coil, I love you! Happy Birthday and Happy Father's Day!